The Coolest Athletes Draft
EPISODE 246: Spirit tunnels.
I’ve long been fascinated by the concept of cool.
This isn’t even the first episode we’ve published on the adjective: no less an authority than Friend of PTFO Kevin Wildes came back from his Hawaiian vacation to exclusively rank the 71 Coolest Things in the World.
So when a pseudonymous Substack post titled “Toward a Unified Theory of Uncool” went viral across the NBA Internet recently — and you can read that over at Never Hungover; it’s mostly gorgeously written — I immediately wanted to discuss it on this week’s edition of Share & Tell.
“For as long as I can remember,” the author argues, “the NBA has served as a cultural North Star. These NBA playoffs portend a crisis of cool.”
Another excerpt:
That the budding faces of the league are profoundly uncool is relatively uncontroversial, notwithstanding Anthony Edwards as the exception that proves the rule. Jalen Brunson nods impishly as Josh Hart wins the internet; Tyrese Haliburton spits out strings of mimetic signifiers like a large language model trained on House of Highlights clips; Shai Gilgeous-Alexander drolls on as his Rosencrantz clip-farms with a Gatorade bottle; Donovan Mitchell’s messianic meat has been exposed as an exaggerated, angle-assisted bulge; Jayson Tatum’s Kobe Bryant cosplay led him to an achilles tear in a Day-Lewisian bit of method acting; Jalen Green is bad at basketball; Zion Williamson’s anime-inspired bellybutton tattoo is but a footnote in his series of aesthetic mishaps; for Ja Morant, I can only wish well. Around every corner, the European slob menace lurks with what a perceptive reader of the blog has aptly named “unconditioned Slavic indifference.” At the risk of sounding alarmist: the sky is falling.
It continues from there.
So I asked both Mina Kimes (who self-admittedly peaked in college) and David Dennis Jr. (who was Steph Curry’s Splash Brother at Davidson) to read the piece.
And then participate in PTFO’s inaugural Coolest Athletes Draft.
SPOILER ALERT:
Wink,
Pablo
OK, I’m a Harvard grad. Which as you know means very little. Because everyone has an uncle in Boston that has that connection. And no one is impressed.
Nonetheless, I am also not a sports guy so I don’t know you from that era for that endeavor. But I do like how you’re always there to show up for the Scarborough was they make fun and act like the old people they are while they think you are this anomaly. You are sort of what about to happen.
OK, I’m a Harvard grad. Which as you know means very little. Because everyone has an uncle in Boston that has that connection. And no one is impressed.
Nonetheless, I am also not a sports guy so I don’t know you from that era for that endeavor. But I do like how you’re always there to show up for just Scarborough. They make fun and act like the old people they are while they think you are this anomaly. When you are sort of was about to happen.
But I’ve gotta take a minute. And express what it’s gotta be obvious to everyone and somehow you, this arguably, bright guy, doesn’t get.
But I’ve gotta take a minute. And express what it’s gotta be obvious to everyone and somehow you, this arguably, bright guy, doesn’t get.
Bill Belichick now I’m dictating so if it’s wrong, it’s not my fault. He’s an old guy who has fallen under the advances of an accountant. It’s not interesting. Everybody who has great marketable skills and doesn’t know how to use those skills to make money, find a person who can do that.
It’s not interesting. Everybody who has great marketable skills and doesn’t know how to use those skills to make money, find a person who can do that.
Let’s say it’s just some old typically cliché accountant. And they say hey, you know you can make millions of dollars let me control everything. And they do it. Why not? That’s how it works. Coaches don’t know how to turn intelligence into dollars. No one does. You don’t. Turns out along the way somebody told Pablo Torres that he could make a lot of money if he did XYZ and you said oh I will let you do XYZ but dammit I know what you’re doing because I’m so smart. Well, you’re not. We know that. You’re good at what you do accounts are good at what they do.
What does tells me is that everyone is so freaked out that some old fucker, who is great at what he does wants to sign away all of his abilities to control what he doesn’t know how to do, which everyone does. This is not a story. The only reason this story is because this is a young woman who’s also giving him sex. What the hell, every old guy who wants to surrender his wealth to someone who’s gonna give him pleasure for the balance of his life, is not making a bad choice. What is wrong with you people?
What is wrong with you, people?
Bill Belichick is surrendering his wealth, his decision-making to a third-party. That’s what old people do that’s what everyone does. If they’re smart. Maybe they’re right maybe they’re wrong, maybe this person is terrible. Maybe this person is great. But these guys don’t have a team of people to make that choice for. In the meantime, he also guess to feel like he’s alive again and get the fuck up one young woman. What the hell is wrong with that? Dear God, you people are so damn dumb. It makes me crazy, because yes, he gets to decide his future. He’s not changing the world he’s just deciding yeah maybe she’s right, if she’s wrong, who the fuck cares I’m an old guy he’s now having his way for a little while longer, I feel alive again.
, I think all of this story is a Non story and while I appreciate that, you’re good at what you do. This is sort of dumbass.